grief.
why is the healing hurting more than the wound?
I just watched ‘We Live In Time’ and my chest feels heavy.
So, I just finished watching the movie. I reblogged a few posts on tumblr and a few gifsets of that movie, and that’s when I stumbled upon an interview Andrew Garfield did, at The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, where he said “i hope this grief stays with me because it’s all the unexpressed love that i didn’t get to tell her” about his mother’s passing. This hit me hard. To those who don’t know yet, I lost my father in 2021 due to the coronavirus. I was seventeen (soon to be eighteen in about 4 months) then, and so it hit like a truck. It hit like someone just ripped my heart out and stomped on it. And I had previously dealt with death and grief before when I was young- my maternal grandparents and my paternal grandfather. So, I was familiar with the loss it brings.
I was not familiar with the pain and anger and the shitstorm of emotions it brings.
Grief, to me, is like this weird entity. I don’t see it as a person. I don’t ignore it either. It’s this weird entity that grabs your hand, welcomes you to their home, gives you a hug, and never lets go. It’s this weird jacket which has abandonment issues- the moment you forget, it will do everything it can to remind you.
I was writing my genetics endsem exam, and I couldn’t solve the answer to one of the chi square problems. I cross checked and my values were right, but it just wasn’t tallying- what should’ve been a 2-3 digit number, is now a 5-6 digit number. And that’s when the familiar scent of my father’s poofy jacket filled the air. I missed it. And somehow, I felt calm, and decided to trust myself and move on to the next question. Turns out, the answer I got is the right answer. Thanks baba.
In the movie, we see Tobias and Almut, a happy couple (who has their own ups and downs), get the worst news of their lives- Almut has relapsed and has cancer. The movie is non-linear- there is no particular timeline followed. It’s jumping between the past and the future. And that’s the essence of the movie- it’s telling us to stay in the present.
I won’t spoil the movie for you, I don’t want to be the enemy, so I will proceed with caution regarding how to word what I want to say. This movie swallowed me whole and then some. There’s a scene where Almut is confronted by Tobias regarding a thing she did, and this was her response:
We all want to be remembered. I’ve said that before and I will say it again. Almut has a very valid fear- what if her daughter remembers nothing about her mother except her being sick? But Tobias has a very valid concern too- health matters more than anything right now. This is something very few pieces of media has achieved to do- make me understand both the perspectives.
I think the movie caused me more pain than it should have, because my wounds are still fresh. Albeit it’s been 3 years, but every cell in my body refuses to turn the page and move on, knowing my father won’t be here for the next chapters. He wasn’t there when I turned 18. He wasn’t there when I graduated school and got into university. He wasn’t there for my subsequent birthdays, and he won’t be there for anything. I walk between the shelves in my mind, each shelf holding particular memories, because I’m sure I will run into him there.
I saw this picture, where it says we grow around grief and that grief doesn’t get smaller- we just get bigger.
I grieve a lot of things. What could’ve been, what should’ve been, everything. I grieve what my mother could’ve had. I grieve and grieve. The healing hurts more than the wound. Every time I take a step forward, it’s like someone cuts the stitches open, which ends up with me crying. I grieve every time my friends talk about their parents. I grieve every time may 11th, may 20th and november 27th comes around. Significant dates soldered into my brain. But, its my grief. my friends can’t do anything about it. So, we just grow around it.
Tobias is me. You. Every one. We want others to stay. We want to live. We want to love. We want to breathe. But we are also Almut. We want to be remembered. We want to be respected. We want to be loved. We want to breathe too.
What is grief, if not, love persevering?
Loved this!
I so agree with that picture about life's circle turning larger. All those regrets and disappointments till remain the same in my heart, but now i realize that they don't define me and my life.