if i linger in your memories eradicate me.

yeah i heard you're calling me a traitor.

May 18, 2025

I just blocked you. everywhere. Everywhere.

Dear reader you must be confused what has happened. Let me explain. From one person to another, from my mouth to your ears- nothing but the truth. My best friend set me up with a guy and then after a week or so of love bombing, he went to my best friend. And now they’re a couple. Or friends with benefits. At this point, who even cares? I do. Which is why you find me writing this. Not with tears in my eyes but with anger in my blood. Or well, what was anger, is now just begging to be out of my system. February- the month of love- found itself being bored and decided to fuck me up with this weird plot development.

Why is this bothering me? Why is my skull pounding, as if my heart crawled up to my cranium and just lodged itself in there and now, my ribcage no longer has the heart it needed. The rhythmic thumping in my chest has now become a resonant pounding in my head. My hands are useless. The damage has been done. What once was full of life, now reeks of misery. You came into my life and then you used me. You played my like a puppet and I, oh I fell for your traps. I was a lost soul whom you decided to touch and set up in flames. And I should’ve known better.

I blocked your number. And then unblocked it. And then you sent me reels. And I sent some back. And suddenly, during my internship, my friend caught you sending me messages. “Why didn’t you block him yet?” she asked. I had no answer. Was it because I didn’t want to lose you? No, I certainly did. Was it because I didn’t want to lose her? Maybe. Was it because I wanted to see how far you’d go doing this to me? Yes, that’s right. Because in hindsight, how could a guy like you ever like someone like me? Sure, I have my positives but I know for a fact I’m not dateable material (is that even a phrase?). I was born to be friends, acquaintances, colleagues and that’s it. My fate has it written: will be a cat dad in the future.

It’s month of March. My friend are trying to keep me happy but everyone sees through the fake smile I’ve plastered on my face. I wonder what you got from giving me faking promises. Were they ever meant to be promises or did you just misspeak and I heard it wrong, like every time? You walked away without a word- you didn’t even want to hear me out. You accused me of cheating when it was really you who wanted an excuse to leave. My friends never saw me cry before but you made me. My friends never saw me breakdown to the point of exhaustion but you made me.

You broke me. You broke me.

It’s April now, my exams are almost over. When you said “I won’t leave” after listening to my previous encounters with trashy men, I replied “Don’t make promises you will end up breaking”. And just like always, I believed you were different. I believed you actually wanted me. Do you know how it feels to be wanted. No, you take that granted everyday because everyone wants you. Everyone wants a piece of you. But me? I’m the coach, I’m not supposed to play. And what’s worse, you live near me. So I practically see you everyday. Which is why I stopped going out. These four walls house me and my loneliness. And my hurt.

It’s May. New beginnings. I am done with my internship and I just watch movies and read books. I am someone who doesn’t open up that easily. It will take you month to even know everything about me. It sucks but that’s what helped me. You never got every piece of me. And the parts you’ve stained? I’m removing it. I don’t want your hands around my heart, I want nobody’s because that’s a dangerous power to give to someone.

May my heart be breakable, but never by the same hand twice.